Your newborn child stares at you intently, making noises that sound like communication even though you know they are way too young to speak. You find yourself making similar noises in response. 

Your preschooler points at different fruits in the grocery produce section while expectantly looking at you; you name each type of fruit, and they are wide-eyed with curiosity and enthusiasm. 

Your 8-year-old lights up when you ask about craft projects and compliment ALL their drawings! 

Your 15-year-old doesn’t talk much but communicates their mood through their body language and facial expression, letting you know when to go in for the hug and when to keep a distance.

What do these scenarios have in common? They are all examples of Serve and Return – a term that refers to the responsive, back-and-forth exchanges between a child and a caring adult – which plays a key role in shaping the child’s developing brain. From the earliest stages of development, our brains are wired based on lived experience. This tennis-like game of back-and-forth, particularly in early childhood, is essential for healthy development, because the interactions reinforce brain circuits that lay the foundation for early emotional well-being and social skills. The Harvard University Center on the Developing Child has developed this resource for parents: 5 Steps for Brain-Building Serve and Return. 

Given advancements in brain research, we can say with confidence that responsive relationships are expected by the developing brain – they aren’t optional, they are essential for building healthy brains, and this is why the absence of nurturing relationships pose such a substantial threat to a child’s well-being. Relational health is as important as physical and emotional health. We can’t tease them apart – it is our relationships that are at the core of our physical and emotional wellbeing, because the absence of positive, responsive interactions triggers the body’s toxic stress response, flooding it with harmful stress hormones. 

Before we judge a parent or caregiver who doesn’t engage in consistent, responsive serve and return interactions with their child, we need to pause and ask, “why?” Stressors like financial challenges, lack of social connections, and challenges from chronic health issues make responsive caregiving more difficult. Families impacted by structural racism, e.g., redlining, may inequitably bear a higher toxic stress burden, sapping energy and focus vital to being fully present to children, which is why promoting policies and programs that support adult caregivers are key to fostering healthy developmental environments for children. 

Additionally, technoference, which is when technology disrupts meaningful connection with loved ones, is impacting serve and return interactions across socioeconomic sectors. For instance, 76% of parents report using their cell phones while at the playground with their children, and toddler vocabulary development is decreased when parents regularly hear phone notifications and can see their phones, even if they don’t return the text or call! We can’t respond appropriately to a child’s social cues if we miss the serve. 

Knowledge is power. Understanding the importance of serve and return interactions empowers us to make choices that facilitate safe, healthy and connected family relationships. 

To learn more about technoference visit, https://www.nj.gov/dcf/technoference.html